shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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