so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
