Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
not ubering you a puppy
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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