Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
