??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
