Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
