You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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