Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
