who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
