Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
