Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
