Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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