cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
