weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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