If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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