Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
