it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
