My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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