she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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