yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
i just had sex bonerless
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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