so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Randomize
