$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
