I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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