I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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