No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
