There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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