Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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