I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
