i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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