I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
