i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
