I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
