I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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