The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
