Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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