he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
