I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
