there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
