Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
You left your phone here
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