so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
