Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
