when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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