I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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