Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
can u get pink eye on your cock?
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Randomize
