so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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