If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
