i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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