Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
