My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
