Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
